walk with me

I could title this post a bunch of things: my eye demon, trials of life, lessons in trust, in sickness and in health, He loves me where I'm at, joy in pain, sacrifices of praise, finding hope...but I go with "walk with me".
Sometimes things just can't be summed up in a word or two. A simple title. That is life. I haven't written for a bunch of reasons. One, because I can't see well and its difficult to read or write especially on a bright computer. Two, because my spirits and joy have been taking a holiday...or perhaps I have felt unmotivated, drained and like being alone. I guess I am like that...some people reach out and need to be surrounded by action and people when they are struggling. Me, I hide out. I don't want to explain over and over what is going on, I want to just lay low. I don't know that either is the wrong approach. But dealing with anything without GOD is wrong. I could dive into the whole story right now, or just sum it up best as I can. I think I will attempt to do that...the short version.
Well, a couple weeks ago when my hubby was away on business an all too familiar pain in my eye started. This time my right eye. It has been almost a year and a half since I was diagnosed with an eye disease called "iritis". It was following the most stressful and terrible time in our lives. In our minds it seemed that it was just something brought on by stress and anxiety and not an underlying cause. I could have lost my sight in my left eye, but by God's grace I can see perfectly. It was such a difficult time for me, dealing with fear and pain like I had never faced before. Such a lesson was learned in trusting God in all circumstances. Blind or not blind I would choose joy.
I get down it seems when the skies are dark, snow is falling and friends and family are far away. When the stress and action of the holidays goes away and I am left with this alone-ness and grey skies. It has been a bit of a stressful few months prior. Its amazing what stress can do to a person. My eye started aching a little and I kind of ignored it as my hidden fears of "eye disease" surface here and there...whenever there is redness, headaches or pain in my eyes. I took it easy but after Cal returned home he agreed I should see a doctor just to be sure.
It was diagnosed again with iritis...this time in a different eye. My dr. said that it was a red flag. That iritis more then 1 time suggests that I have an underlying cause or "disease" bringing this inflamation on. She wanted me to go through multiple blood tests to rule that out. Well, that was fun. (JK) I had caught the iritis early this time and no damage to my lens/iris had occured like last time. I went on steroids (those are such fun!) every hour, and dialation drops (which the combo makes me pretty much blind in that eye). Once again I was dealing with this demon. Waiting a week or more for the blood test results to show me who knows what. (They don't even tell me all they are testing for.)
I continue to go through mixed emotions of tears of frustration, the "why me?", deciding to trust God no matter what the results...to claim HIS report and not any other. To be vigilant, yes, but not let my mind wander or thoughts turn into fears. Self control NOT to research every possible disease I could have. It seems that whenever I am going through some trial (which is NOT a surprise to GOD), there seems to be something scheduled that forces me to step out of my comfortable hiding place.
The following week I had a checkup on my eye, and the blood results showed all things negetive-no inflamation in my body, all specific tests negetive accept some test for a specific gene that "predisposes" you to auto-immune diseases. I was told I was positive to this HLA B27. OK what does that mean? Well I wasn't told exactly. Just that I probably have some other hidden disease that is causing this and need to start on a long length of tests and see all different disease specialists to rule each one out one at a time. WHAT?! I have NO other symptoms for any of these diseases. So they leave me with that. The people closest to me agreed that they also didn't feel I had to worry about those diseases. That I shouldn't go to any of the specialists. Just to REST in God. Rest. Its one thing to let your body rest but to let your mind rest, well that takes some effort. I can't do it on my own strength.
I was so confused and frustrated. Nothing made sense. I had no aches and pains, no other symptoms, no other health problems my whole life! I was told by my dr. that maybe the "iritis" could just be my first symptom. That maybe I do have a disease and this is the 1st symptom to present itself...just to wait for other symptoms. I could do that...sit and spend my life WAITING to get sick. WAITING to recognize a symptom of a checklist of diseases I could have. To me, that seems like a terrible way to spend my life. I can write this now, because I am past the mind battle. Past that week...
PAIN MAY LAST FOR A NIGHT BUT JOY COMES IN THE MORNING.
I cancelled seeing a gastro specialist and immunologist or rheumatologist. I told the dr. that I wasn't going to do any more tests. That I was going to treat my eye and get that better. I feel healthy and I am believing that I am. If some symptom presents itself then I won't be a fool, I will take that into consideration...but that I am not feeling like I need to proceed with investigating all sorts of other diseases I could have.
She wasn't that thrilled with that...but I was willing to ruffle some feathers. She probably thinks I am pretty silly and that I should just believe what a test says. The gene that predisposes me to these "auto-immune" diseases. She didn't tell me though, that over 95% of people with this gene NEVER get a disease. Yes, most of the people with those diseases have this gene, but most of the people with this gene don't have a disease! Confusing. All this doctor stuff. Its such a hard ballance for me to study what my possible cause could be...to study and read about this eye disease I have and not get fear or jump to other conclusions. I want to be educated but I also want to rely on GOD not man's prognosis. Such a difficult balance.
Well, that weekend as "luck" would have it, Cal and I were scheduled to lead worship in church. Our HUGE weekends. Practice, Saturday service, Sunday services. Wow. What timing! (sarcasm)
I did NOT want to do it. I was frustrated. I was blind. I was mad. I was tired. I was NOT wanting to lead worship! Of course I was scheduled to do a big vocal song and a new song entirely led by myself. Of course. Then my lovely "monthly surprise" came. What timing! NOTHING is a surprise to God.
I cry now realizing that HIS love is not afraid to force us out of ourselves. HIS love isn't afraid to ruffle feathers, to stretch us and even cause a bit of pain in the process. What love! He sees the greater picture. The character and lessons learned. He truly knows what will give us strength. Maybe not in body, but in spirit. I needed it. I needed HIS love and HIS arms holding me. My mind and body didn't want to move an inch but HE knew it was what was best for me.
Once I got to church and was forced to play my violin and sing something happened. I felt a little better. Then Saturday service came and the staff asked if they could pray for me. I can't tell you what that did for me...not in words. To have God's family surround you and support you is better then medicine. The prayers said in that small circle gave strength to my spirit. God's Holy Spirit was there, filling me with exactly what I needed. I had a new found hope and joy.
Most of our church probably just sees me up on stage thinking my life is just perfect. They don't see the pain and struggle. It takes different eyes to see that. None of us have it all together. We are all facing different struggles and pain in our lives. Our pastor shared with me that he felt that the devil was trying to steal my joy. It was true. The devil sure got far with me that past week or 2. My joy was stolen. Empty and robbed. But once we recognize that, we can steal it back! I knew that God had a purpose for me that weekend. In my PAIN and STRUGGLE He forced me to minister to others. Something happens in that sacrifice of praise. When hurting people help others...it heals. My hurts and struggle were slowly being healed. My pain in spirit was gone. My joy was being restored....all in my surrender.
Standing on stage singing every single word from the depths of my soul. Freely worshipping as if it was just me and Jesus. Every word of the song HAND PICKED for me for that weekend...was heartfelt. I don't feel as if I could have sang those words "How I need you, how I need you, Oh Jesus, WALK WITH ME!" if I hadn't faced the demons and struggles of that past week.
God knew that surrender was healing for me. I was going on supernatural strength. Not on a good nights sleep. Not on medicine or caffeine. God's strength filled my bones. Was my eye better? No.
Do I know if I have some underlying disease that will surface sometime in the next year or 10 years? No. But I am believing that NO MATTER WHAT. My Jesus will never leave or forsake me. HE WILL ALWAYS WALK WITH ME. It is the ONLY thing that matters. I can be afraid at times, but trusting in my fear. Trusting that God will hold me up. I don't feel much better physically, but the renewed strength and joy in my spirit is better then a perfect eye.
I appreciate how God's people are praying for me right now. I need those prayers. I covet them. Thank you. I know that the power of prayer is real. I have seen God heal friends and family miraculously and I am praying for full healing like that for myself. I know He can do it! But whatever happens I know that I trust HIS will for me. He isn't finished with me yet. I know that God wants me to play and sing for Him. It isn't just to minister to others, but it ministers to myself. I pray that I can have a long life, healthy and strong, with BOTH of my eyes. To see my children grow up. To see and create beauty. Eyes to read music and His word. The devil would like nothing more then to steal away what I LOVE. I love beauty...nature, people, colors and textures. I rely on my eyes for so much of what I do. Photography. Painting. Teaching. Drawing. Reading and writing. Reading music and playing instraments. I pray that my eyes stay strong and that whatever is causing this eye disease will go away....that I would be restored to perfect sight. I pray that He gives me strength to face my fears. I thank the Lord that He has taught me compassion and trust through this. Nothing goes to waste...not one thing. I won't let this rob me of my joy.
Celebrating love in a week where I felt God's love in such a real way. He knew I needed that.
In the midst of my struggle throwing a V-day party for my girls and their friends...then hosting homegroup at our house that weekend. All on a week where I had nothing to give right?
Well, sometimes we give out of our abundance, and sometimes we give out of our NEED.
In my giving that week I was given a much better gift in return. Release. Surrender. Joy in return.

"Oh God how I need you! Oh God how I love you! Every breath, every moment, I don't want to go a single step without your presence....please walk with me!"

Here is the song (Walk With Me) I sang this past weekend that ministered so much to myself and others. It is just a simple prayer and plea to God to walk with me as He did this past couple weeks.

Author of the world, walk with me
Ruler of the earth, walk with me
Calmer of the storm, walk with me
Healer of my heart, walk with me

How I need you
How I need you
Oh, Jesus walk with me

Giver of each breath, walk with me
Light for every step, walk with me

How I need you
How I need you
Oh Jesus, walk with me
How I love you
How I love you
Oh Jesus, walk with me

In your presence Lord
There is peace, there is rest
In your presence Lord
There is life that never ends
In your presence Lord
There is joy, there is joy
In your presence Lord
there is life that never ends