Empty Spaces.

God is the only one who can fill the empty spaces. You know, those spots where you feel unfulfilled by a relationship, person, or thing. I went into marriage with the wrong idea...I was young. I am learning through the years what marriage really is about. When you are all in love, you are blinded by the complete fulfillment of that person, and the ovewhelming love that overtakes you. Feelings fade. Love is not a feeling though. Its a tough thing to realize that real life isn't a fairytale. That is a good thing though. Reading C.S. Lewis point of view on marriage confirmed what I know is true. Feelings fade, but true love doesn't. True love is an action, not a feeling. It is commitment. Whether its marriage or friendship.

I have lots of empty spaces. Spaces where friends were lost. Spaces where there's an emptiness that in my human nature I want to fill with my kids or husband. But a husband is supposed to fulfill right? He is supposed to be there all the time for you-never rejecting or hurting right? Wrong. He is a person. Human. Imperfect. I am too though. 

Feeling lots of empty spaces lately. Sadness creeps in when all my loved ones are far away. Friends seem a million miles away. Time with women is scarce and being a cook, cleaner, teacher day in and day out tires. I give, give, give, give. Sometimes feeling like I am getting nothing in return. I selfishly want to run away on occasion!

 Sadness fills those empty spaces sometimes. When friends don't call. When relationships fade away. You are left with holes. Its my flesh that wants my husband to meet all my needs. Last week another reminder that God is the only one who can fulfill me completely and to run somewhere else is just wasted time and hurt. My husband has been busy, and when he isn't busy, he has been watching football, or basketball. I guess he is a red-blooded american guy right? I am not the needy type either, so I wasn't expecting much! I can stay busy for hours reading, crafting, sewing, editing. I never lack for things to do, and I do love my quiet time at night. 

 But I felt repeatedly rejected night after night when I couldn't be with him. He thought "being together" meant that we were in the same house. I need a soft hug, a word or a hello. Conversation. Just hanging together in the same room. As long as I keep busy he thinks everything is great. We can just both do what we want to do! He wasn't intentionally hurting me but I was hurt. Rejected. He did reject me over and over by choosing his sports TV over me. Occupying the only room in the house with a TV forcing me to run for the hills. (I would rather eat paint then watch football!)
 He was wrong in his response, and didn't acknowledge my feelings. But so was I. I tried to fill my empty spaces with him, and when he didn't come through I was full of sadness and hurt. Our sorries were said. It is resolved now as all issues are, but it made me think. 

 God, why isn't my first inclination to run to you? I saw later that I was trying to be filled by my husband. I was trying to meet my emotional needs. Healthy relationships are great, and they do fulfill many things, but they aren't meant to fill all. I think when I was younger it wasn't easy to see that.

I didn't have "empty spaces" at that time. I had tons of friends, always busy, going out, in love, no kids, date nights all the time. I wasn't tested...tried. I didn't have a hole to fill! Everything satisfied. Temporarily though.

 I am learning through God's grace to run to Him when I am lonely, sad, empty. Even when its not the first reaction, but later -after tears and feelings building up. He is always there. Sometimes when you are left with nothing its a good thing. There isn't anything on hand to "fill" that void. You are forced to run to the ONE who will save.

There's a song an old friend of mine Lisa Gungor, recorded years ago called "Wrap me in Your arms" and I always think of it when I am in that place. Tears come as I write this because I feel peace in His truth. That I can run to Him.

Truth that God loves me more then anyone, and never changes. He doesn't reject. He doesn't push away. He doesn't forget me. He doesn't hold my wrongs against me. In a world of constant push and change He NEVER does. I don't have to be the coolest or say the right thing. I don't have to wonder if He likes me or not. He is the same today as when I was 16. When I needed a friend in Bible college...all alone. When I prayed for a husband and felt I would never find that right match. When I needed a friend just to talk to. Someone who would listen and not just take.

He has never failed me and never will. Why would I fill myself with anything but that?

Hopefully this isn't just me putting thoughts to paper. I pray that if you are feeling empty or lonely that you will reach for Him. 

"God, I am sorry for filling my empty spaces with anything but You. Or even trying to. Help me to run to You first. Help me to see that nothing can ever fill like You."

Here are the lyrics and link to that song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbVaOkbF5YI&list=PLA0D7D8C69E4679D0

There is a God who loves me

who wraps me in His arms

That is the place

where I'm changed

And that's where I belong

Take me to that place Lord,

to that secret place where

I can be with you;

You can make me like You

Wrap me in Your arms!

Wrap me in Your arms!

Wrap me in Your arms!